My Biggest Fear

"A poll of 3,000 Americans found that for forty-one percent, the thing they're most afraid of is speaking before a group of people. Thirty-two percent stated they were most afraid of heights."

So the two biggest fears in America are public speaking and heights.

Weird... I'm not afraid of either of those things. I would gladly speak in front of people all day long... I love it actually. If I could find people to pay me for it, that would be my ideal profession. Melissa, professional public speaker... OR Melissa, professional heights experiencer. I enjoy the thrill of being up high. The higher the height, the better the view. ... in fact, if I could have a superpower it would totally be flying. Then I could get up really high and not have an airplane wing in the way of my view.

So if I'm not afraid of what normal people are afraid of, what makes me quake in my flip-flops? (I live in Southern California, so we don't wear boots enough to quake in them.)

Well dear reader, it's time for a true confession:
My biggest fear in life is mayonnaise. Yep... whipped egg yolks and vegetable oil. That's what haunts my dreams at night. I just think the stuff is creepy on like 100 different levels. The consistency.... the way it kind of clings to your throat. What if it slides into my throat and never leaves!?! That is possible! I could suffocate on mayonnaise! What a horrible way to die, with that nasty yellowish/whitish/colorless mixture blocking my access to life-giving oxygen. The taste is gross too. It makes me gag just thinking about it... give me a minute. Breathe in. Breathe out. hee hee whoo. Um... yeah I'm sweating at the thought.

So you can imagine how much more difficult life is as a leukolactocitriviniovacondimentophobian... I mean every potluck lunch has a potato salad, and when sandwiches are served at work the caterer brings a tub of mayonnaise to set next them... for nasty people to coat their poor defenseless breads and meats in. I have to face my fear at the very least three times a day! I don't live alone... I can't stop the rest of the world from storing that jar of death goob in their fridges. Don't even get me started on you freaks who eat it on french fries! Why would you ruin such a lovely food with the nastiest concoction on earth!??!?! WHY!?!? Oh, it makes me angry! My life is difficult, and I am tired of suffering in silence.

A side note:
-I have been advised to seek help at the Mayo Clinic... not funny and not helpful.