Going to the Chapel?!?!

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West (1892 - 1980)

An interesting conversation today with a friend led me to finish a blog that I started months ago. She was discussing her marriage and the difficulties she faces in her current situation. Her husband, the father of her two children, doesn't support her, or the children, financially nor, most sadly, emotionally. She works long and hard hours at a very physical job. Her daughter is being tested for autism and in the course of the testing was asked if her parents hit her. She responded with, "Yes, my mother does." It was a lie, and thankfully the doctor knew it was. Later, my friend found out that her husband had directed her daughter to say it. I'm sorry... WHAT?!??! How does one stay with a man who supports none of your needs and encourages your children to lie about you...

The craziest part of this whole story (and the reason I'm writing this) is that this dear woman wants to set me up with a husband so that I will be happy. She doesn't think anyone can be happy and single. In her opinion, and in the opinions of many others, singleness and happiness are mutually exclusive. Why would a woman who is devastated in her unhappy/unhealthy/disastrous marriage think that I "needed" to find someone. Why do we think that being paired up is necessary to survival?

Now this is not a rant... It is more of an observation. In my travels I have been places where singleness is a handicap. In rural India, I was a 25 year old single woman traveling in a group of single women. Everyone I met was nervous for my future... they were worried that if I did not get married soon, that I would be destined for a life of poverty. In South Korea, I was getting near the "past due" date of a single woman and was asked by quite a few older people if I wanted help in finding a husband. They were worried because I didn't have a "wife job"... I wasn't a teacher/nurse/secretary (funny thing is, I do now have a "wife job"). Around every street corner was another wedding chapel screaming at the Korean youth that they needed to get around to getting married.

Please don't misunderstand, I think marriage is fantastic. I do desire to be married one day, BUT I don't think that it will make me happy. I am happy. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my free hours to do with whatever I want. I like being a little selfish and not having to answer to anyone about what I do with my time, money, or energy.

The majority of my friends are married, and happily so, but the thing I love about them is that they were happy in singlehood just as much as in couplehood. I may tease and joke about needing to find a man, but really I am so thankful to live in a time and a culture where singleness is an option. To be able to provide for myself financially is something that the majority of women over the span of history have not had the opportunity to do. I am allowed to work. I am allowed to read any book that I want to. I am allowed to drive. I was allowed to go to school. I am so thankful that being a single woman is no longer a handicap. Being single allows me to babysit your children without a second thought, it allows me to be available for spontaneous adventures, and it allows me to spend a little more liberally on my nieces and nephews. I like being single and I will like being married... why? Because I like being me.

"I pay very little regard...to what any young person says on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right person."
Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park